August 31, 2015

I see him

He has a heart of gold. Expansive like the horizon and yet he keeps it to himself. He denies it. All of the tenderest ones do. The ones with the best memories and purest souls. He guards it with all of his might and covers as a sustainable machine who doesn't need love. Promising and shouting to never open his beating center again. Vowing to never let another in. Most crucially, to never need it. He swears to the heavens he is better without. In all of these promises of not feeling a damn thing, I hear his heart cry out. I feel the pain of his self-imposed solitude. Like unseen thunder, the ground beneath me trembles from his pleading heart. 

I see him. 

I can't love him enough to melt his walls. Only he can do that for himself. My words won't wake him or instill trust. My actions won't soften his grip. He can't see me and see love. He needs to find it for himself. 

Go. Go be cracked open. Allow yourself to melt like a puddle in love's warmth and tenderness. The pain you are trying to avoid is greatest in the starvation of love. And you have so much to give. 

To love you is to be a fool knowing it will go unseen and un-felt. My wasted heart is beating into an abyss. I have no control over it. She knows what she feels. She sees you. The harder you push the clearer you become. Your pain glows through your translucent walls.  Your fear is real and she begs you to see; to see for yourself that it isn't so. That this love won't hurt. And you run faster and further away. 

So I send you this prayer to satisfy my heart so that I can let you go. I could use some nourishment in return. I could use someone to hold me and support me. Hopefully he will see me as clearly as you saw me and he'll be able to stay. He'll be able to love beyond his walls.

I hope you get what you need

I hope I do too 

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