Leap

Everyone now says they knew but that I wouldn't listen. That I wouldn't accept it if they had told me what they thought at the time. Everyone says things in retrospect; especially my monologue when I feel like beating myself up a little extra that day. Coulda, shoulda, woulda. Whatever. It's just air.

I say, at least I tried. At least I believed in the vision enough at the time to live it out. At least I gave that dream a shot knowing it may not last forever. At least I didn't disguise my fear as skepticism at the time. I honored my wishes and trusted my instinct enough to try it out. I've lived.

From here, it feels so much more like a success rather than a failure because it didn't last or because I was hurt along the way, or any other reasons that would typically stall someone from moving forward on an experience. It's only a venture to gain. And I'm living proof I've gained so much more than I would have ever been able to predict.

Most experiences end in one form and continue to evolve in another. So what wise ass made up that terrible word 'failure'? Sounds pretty miserable and a little paranoid.

Ah the butterfly in your stomach that just won't go away...? I'm referring to anything that I have ever taken an honest risk of doing. Anything that took an intentional, powerful and courageous decision because it wasn't safe or backed by a popular consensus. It's a step taken knowing it may not work out. What does last forever anyways? Nothing interesting stays exactly the same. Nothing of value is stagnant. Even the most precious things in your life are constantly evolving and it's why they are so precious to you - because they are still there by your side even when you or he/she/it have evolved. Mutual appreciation, respect and admiration for each other's road map. Period.

The best part - is when you realize that you are the most precious thing. When you realize that when the loudest pat on the back or a nod of approval comes from you, that's when the fun begins. Why does it seem like those things I choose to do for myself, out of my own will and reasons for doing it, tend to be the most fulfilling?; Especially when few can truly understand and sometimes it's even a mystery to me, but my gut keeps pushing me forward. Those are usually the best steps to take, aren't they?

Speaking of retrospect, I've always been that way. Some label it 'stubbornness'. Hard headed. Curious. Maybe I see it all as a gift and that its the only shot we have in the moment we are given. Call it what you will. I have just always done things in my own way. On my own terms. In my own space and design. Regardless of the suggestions or opinions surrounding me. And as much as I can appreciate the intent, and be open to words of wisdom, it's still my life.

That's been the hardest lesson for me and the most rewarding; to walk past the opinions, knowing at the end of the day, I had to see it and do it for myself to really know. And yes, I've seen many of those decisions needing recalibration. Some have left bruises that took a while to heal, but they always do. And I'm thankful for it. I'm so much better for every struggle, for every broken heart, for every frustration and every bit of fear that's crossed my path. I stand much taller now without knowing I could. And I'm so grateful for the here and now. And wide open for what's ahead.

In my short life, I've learned that ends aren't failures. They don't have to be tragic moments of 'wrong' decisions. There is no such thing. They aren't meant to punish or hold you back. They certainly don't say anything about your character or intellect, other than you were brave enough at some point to live.

You made the decision to experience life for yourself. What a tremendous success that is. So I've got to believe that when something comes to an end, it is merely the preparation for something new. It's time for the next step forward.

I've covered a lot more ground in my life by leaping than by standing still.

Getting there v Being there

I've been struggling with the quandary of having these inspiring and amazing visions of what I want my life to look and feel like. I can see it so clearly. I even get excited knowing it'll happen one day. Anxious that I want it to happen NOW and I need to start working at it NOW. I'm THAT confident in the good of this life and maybe even equally naive. Those are both adjectives used in retrospect though, aren't they?

It's easy to judge until the opposite result happens and then the editing takes place...'I knew you could do it'...when initially all you heard was, 'you're so over confident'; 'you're so naive'. And of course, these are internal voices I'm describing. All to smother the louder voice that's actually having these grandiose visions in the first place.

The torture we put ourselves through. How we so easily try to diminish things that make us innately happy or excited about life. Is it out of fear that it won't happen? Is it out of fear that it will? Who are we to deserve such exotic and amazing things in one life? How dare I NOT achieve these monumental experiences?

No wonder we feel stuck sometimes. All that noise and pressure could freeze the coolest cat in his tracks.

I haven't been doing a great job at it lately, and yet I still know that in these moments of noise and self-judgement, my greatest power is to let them pass. To listen and let them keep walking. To sit still and be quiet so they can have their say and move on. Because the best part is when your mind is silent and finds a small peaceful moment that allows you to hear the real voice come through. You hear the purest part of you tell you exactly where you are and what you want. And that's the voice that will say, 'Go for it'. Be free to do as you really want...nothing else. Period. Do it.

The beauty of having these large and thrilling visions for your life is that it is pure freedom. Especially when you're not running away from something. Especially when you've done the work to know what's good for you and what will lead you towards growth. Especially when you're in reality enough to know everything takes work and the scariest and most daunting steps are most often the golden stepping stones to that next chapter in your life. No shortcuts. No way around it. When that's felt, you know you're onto something special and that you are being led to the next phase of your life.

I've learned enough to realize that when I'm grateful for the smallest things in my life; For the smallest moments that make me happy; blasting my car stereo with the sunroof open, being greeted by name at the local coffee shop, opening the door for an older gentleman who was so surprised a woman was doing something nice for him (his words verbatim!), my son climbing on me like a monkey laughing hysterically,...the tiniest moments that could have easily been forgotten or not even noticed, somehow left impressions to be grateful for the life I live RIGHT NOW. And that simple joy is what's giving me the fuel to keep going. To know that my life will continue to evolve and shift and I will keep stretching myself to grow.

So maybe it's finding that quiet and satisfaction in the moments of your days that fuels you for the amazing visions that lay ahead. Maybe that's the balance of being somewhere with both feet planted firmly on the ground, so that you can take a step towards finding everything you could have ever imagined and more for your life.

We're constantly moving. Even if we don't feel like it. Even if our days are copies of the last with the exception of the clothing you wear (even that doesn't change for some). Even if we choose to do the same thing day in, day out. We're moving forward. We're learning something. We're evolving.

And if we're allergic to patterns and do something different every day on purpose; out of fear that we'll be stuck in a mundane life, what are we running from? What scares us if we stop and sit still? Knowing that we are who we are regardless of what we do or where we are or what surrounds us. And being thankful for the awesomeness that is you. No bells and whistles and distractions needed.

It's when we decide to change the rhythm a bit and break the pattern (whatever that might be); When we make a decision to walk towards that vision that you just can't shake. It's when the dream won't shut up and keeps tugging at you - even if you're uncertain about it. There could be a million reasons why it could never work out and yet it only takes one reason for it to work out and change your life; propelling you into growth and experiences like you never could have imagined - and yet as if it's been planned for you all along.

That's the good stuff. That's what has been stirring inside of me for a long time and the voice is only getting louder and the sights are clearer and more alive than ever. I was born to have an extraordinary life. We all were. I've always felt the responsibility to continue pushing myself to reveal that potential; I just recently learned to let go of paralyzing fear and found enough joy with the life I lead to give me the energy to walk the talk. It's no longer a deep pressure. It has become a freedom; an excitement; a joy.

You'll never know if you don't take that first step. And hey, you already took a few steps, leaps and bounds just to get to where you are right now. That's pretty amazing in of itself, isn't it?

Hear Yourself Out - You're worth it

It all starts with that damn voice...you know the one. 

The voice that talks to you whether you like what it says or not

Whether you listen to it and follow through or ignore it, not yet ready to follow through

And you very well know that ignoring it will just delay something you'll have to confront eventually, making it harder the longer you wait. UH! 

That's it. It's your voice of truth and loving yourself enough to know...

That life goes by so fast. 

Do you spend your time waiting for things to iron themselves out or are you willing to make a change knowing it will be hard, knowing you will get backlash and trusting that life responds for your wellbeing when you ask it to?  It will. No safety net needed. You can. 

Try it once and you’ll see. Life responds. It hears you out. It may take longer than you wish. It’s hardly a quick fix; It’ll shock you how easier some things will be and how much lighter you will feel after a while. You don’t have to carry around so much worry or protection. Your armor is gone. It’s just you. It’s so much. 

That voice can be your best friend and the biggest annoyance in the world

It can solidify your hard work and also cause so much insecurity and uncomfortable-ness inside - Oh boy have I kicked and screamed because of mine.

You'll recognize it because it doesn't judge you. It's not negative. It pushes you to live out that itch you have inside. It encourages you to ignore the world or your own should's. It asks you to throw out those fears you hold onto and crutches you live with that make life feel 'safe' because you don't know what life would look like without them. Or that you've had them for so long it's comfortable. That's actually when you know deep inside you need to experience life without them...either by changing your dynamic with them or excusing yourself all together. You can.

It's taken me 34 years to not just like myself (I'm pretty bad ass:) enough to get here (and I still have a lot of work to do), but to truly admire the person I've evolved to be and to love her. Enough to do things that are hard. Enough to make a decision to walk through hell and back and know deep down that it's for a better experience in this world. Enough to know that the more I learn, the more I realize I don't know much. There's so much room to grow. Enough to know that I'm so much more than any job, label, category I could be tagged as.  And so I can be of better use IN this world. Enough to be a fan and do the work necessary to be better. I can.

And at the end of the day, you know, it's the only thing that will ultimately take you to where you most need to be - out of love - out of growth to polish and unveil the rare stone of awesomeness you have been hiding. Those that are able to see will undoubtedly notice you and love you exactly as you are. Those are the ones to keep around. You’ll know it because it’s easier for you to talk and open up; to speak without editing. Without you changing your speech for their ears. No expectations or requirements from you. The shift will cause some relationships to change. Some people are so uncomfortable when you make a change that they will also kick and fight to keep you as you were for their own status quo/ out of their own fears. Some have already done the work, speak the language and are comfortable enough with themselves to hear you out and take you exactly as you're showing up that day. Because they once needed someone to be there for them too. Almost saying, 'I know exactly'...very matter of fact.  No big deal. Duh. They don’t see an alien. They see you. They know you can. 

We've all experienced dark days - heaven knows I've had my recent share of those in the past couple of years. There were days I was convinced I couldn't possibly survive the pain and the changes that lay ahead of me. There was no way. I wasn't strong enough. I wasn't capable enough to tackle what I needed to go through. The pain would kill me first. Not only was I so mad at myself for getting to this point, but I was also pissed that I had to go through what was ahead of me to even get to the place I wanted to be. It felt like I was the only human going through this and that I carried a sign labeling me; a disease no one would ever want to touch or be near - much less understand. Everyone else was so normal and living their lives comfortably. My life was falling apart around me and I had to reconstruct feeling weaker and smaller than ever. I'm such an alien. It’s so obvious. I can't do it. 

What a lonely place to be. To need friends around you more than ever and yet to feel like asking for love and compassion/ wanting someone to understand, see me and not reject that was needy or shameful or a reflection of not being strong enough. They would run if they saw the depths of me (my ultimate fear). A box- impossible to get out of. A box I created. 

Some days were the opposite side of that coin. The mysterious surge of energy inside of me would guide me through the day. I could smile for no reason. Nothing had changed. Nothing needed to. I accepted my reality and saw the hills I climbed alone; one by one. Smiling actually made it all easier. And the fact that some things weren’t resolved didn’t flutter me; they will be in time. I listened to the little voice. Kept moving forward. I can. 

People who were in my life before disappeared. Friendships changed. Friendships got stronger and more honest. Supposed love left and true love poured in. Overwhelming support without giving anything back? Impossible! Support no matter how good, bad, messy, ugly, etc? Insane! And so good. It’s what kept me going. It’s what reminded me every minute of the day that I could get through it and that the small realizations and lessons added up to getting to a new place.  Practice helps you realize it's doable. You can. 

Realize that nothing really changed in the world around me from day to day or minute to minute; it was me. I changed. I started listening. I needed and wanted to be this person and to live my life without excuses for myself or without hiding part of myself. I knew that if I believed it would happen, it WOULD happen. 

It feels like I’m about to jump off a cliff every time I open up. I confide in my heartaches, in my dreams, in whatever is really inside without dressing it up, I take a deep breath and then I let go. I know that reactions are theirs. I know that the friendship and love I need would want to know all parts of me; the sunny AND dark. I realized that it wasn't so much judgement from others that scared me off, it was my own judgement. Once I realized that, everything changed....for the better. Like another world better. 

Once I made that commitment to myself, I gotta tell you how amazing this journey has been. It's taken my breath away. It's not easy to let myself be loved. It's hard for me to let the guard down, to be seen, and to let someone give me love. In whatever shape or form that is. A compliment, a kind act, a stare, an acknowledgement...there are so many textbook answers as to why. 

The only thing worth bringing up is that if you have a little of this too, it's ok to let it in. It's ok to let others see you. All of you. It's ok to ask for what you really want. Say it out loud. It's ok to ask for help. It's ok to dream no matter how impossible it may seem. It's ok to scream and fall to your knees in sadness or desperation or anger. Let it out. Be loud! It's how you'll be able to listen to yourself and how the world will hear you. And from someone that has been there- practicing all of this. The world responds. It's there. It sees you and understands. You just have to be willing to see it (that love) and let it in. 

It took me so long to see any physical results from my work. It's been so long feeling like I was working my butt off with no reward. The scenery never changed. I was exhausted and not moving forward / that’s what it felt like. I was so frustrated and questioned everything all the time. I felt like a failure more often than feeling pride of the small steps I had taken. Time passed. I kept at it. I started acknowledging the unseen. The effort was more important than the results. I started recognizing myself in the face of rebuilding my life. 

I accomplished something big yesterday. A step that will let me physically rebuild. A milestone. And it doesn't even really matter what that is. Just know that when you have to tear down parts of your life to get to a better place, the rebuilding is hard. It's possible. It's a journey that in fact, never really ends. I wish for you that you're willing to start. That you realize the belief and trust in yourself to do it is much more valuable than actually attaining and getting to the next place. 

I realized when I heard this good news yesterday, how so many doors opened because of it. It took me a while to digest it. It's been a long road to get here. And slowly I've been realizing that I'm so grateful. I'm grateful for the long, arduous road I've been on. Because I'm so capable. I'm so honored to have the people around me that I do. I'm so thankful that I see who I am because of this struggle. 

It's this long, winding story of lows and highs and questions and unknowns and fears and gut feeling of trust and visions and friendships and love and seeing yourself...it's all that stuff. This is what got me here. That's the accomplishment that'll continue. 

I wouldn't have it any other way...that's my little voice talkin'...she’s pretty loud these days. 

The Big Reveal

What good does writing do? 

Sometimes I'll even start writing and get so frustrated at myself thinking, 'how is this really going to help or make me realize anything or make any sort of impact? Seriously, Jocelyn. Waste of time' 

I do it anyways. 

I've written my way through most of my life and it's helped me see

And by noticing what you see outside your window, you realize who you are, to see HOW you see 

Writing helps me understand myself in a clearer, more honest light that I wouldn't have been aware of otherwise 

It gives me a voice I wouldn't have recognized otherwise

Other than the obvious falls to the ground; bloody knees and all. 

and i feel like sometimes that's the only way i learn 

the only way i can see life for what it is

no bullshit

no mask

no pretense

just as it is

dirty, and imperfect; messy and real

We're always on our best behavior and rarely do we let ourselves show what we're holding onto so tightly for protection

So what am i holding onto? What do you tend to hold onto? 

Today, right now? Everything 

i'm holding onto the scariness of this reality that is my life right now

i'm not letting go of the dark things that i face everyday- instead of holding onto brighter things that digest much more easily and give you energy to move forward 

Why do we make it harder for ourselves in already hard times? 

I'm running uphill as fast as i can and i'm running out of breath. 

i'm running out of patience to 'keep it together'. 

Maybe that's just the point. maybe I can't just 'keep it together' all the time

maybe i'm supposed to 'lose it' - to bow to the situation

 

so i can see the forest for the trees (whatever the hell that means) 

i've been uncovering so much lately 

every turn something looks different 

everything feels differently

and i feel stuck; like life isn't moving forward fast enough

and maybe that's why it's trying to slow me down 

to make sure i feel every LITTLE pebble

To be in every uncomfortable mess so i can appreciate it for what it is

so i can see myself in it and how i live in it and Trust that it's still ok 

That I'm not going to fall apart 

To see who I am in it 

To know who I am after it

i'm cleaning myself out of toxins so I can be truly receptive of life's great abundance

it's scary to let go of something - habits, thoughts, dependencies, attachments

sometimes it feels better and gives a false sense of security to cling onto something not so good for you 

just to say you have 'something' 

rather than to be alone and healthy

not knowing what your life will look like

not knowing who you will evolve to be without what you were used to holding

and trusting that the space you just cleaned out doesn't leave you alone

In fact, it creates room for you to fill yourself up without needing anything else to do it

Becoming satisfied with the complete package that you ARE (right now as you read this) 

i'm banking and working and intending to allow this space to dive in

to dive fully into the me i've wanted to be but too afraid

to do the things i've dreamed and the work that makes impact

to inspire and heal the world (regardless of the job title) 

to be the real me; not dependent on anything or anyone else for it

I have a voice regardless of what yours is

I have an opinion even if you don't like it

even if you don't understand it

even if you can't hear it for what it's intention is

i'm here even if you can't see me

even if you can't take me in

your disbelief won't make me disappear

i'm here regardless of you AND better because of you 

writing for me has always brought out the truth

my truth 

the way i see it and why

and it helps me see what i'm observing in the world

in other people and in me 

And how that affects me and helps me to grow

it's my truth

my moment magnified so i can hear it and let it in by letting it out

How do you let it out?