March 6, 2012

The Big Reveal

What good does writing do? 
Sometimes I'll even start writing and get so frustrated at myself thinking, 'how is this really going to help or make me realize anything or make any sort of impact? Seriously, Jocelyn. Waste of time' 
I do it anyways. 

I've written my way through most of my life and it's helped me see
And by noticing what you see outside your window, you realize who you are, to see HOW you see 
Writing helps me understand myself in a clearer, more honest light that I wouldn't have been aware of otherwise 
It gives me a voice I wouldn't have recognized otherwise

Other than the obvious falls to the ground; bloody knees and all. 
and i feel like sometimes that's the only way i learn 
the only way i can see life for what it is
no bullshit
no mask
no pretense
just as it is
dirty, and imperfect; messy and real
We're always on our best behavior and rarely do we let ourselves show what we're holding onto so tightly for protection

So what am i holding onto? What do you tend to hold onto? 

Today, right now? Everything 
i'm holding onto the scariness of this reality that is my life right now
i'm not letting go of the dark things that i face everyday- instead of holding onto brighter things that digest much more easily and give you energy to move forward 
Why do we make it harder for ourselves in already hard times? 

I'm running uphill as fast as i can and i'm running out of breath. 
i'm running out of patience to 'keep it together'. 
Maybe that's just the point. maybe I can't just 'keep it together' all the time
maybe i'm supposed to 'lose it' - to bow to the situation
so i can see the forest for the trees (whatever the hell that means) 
i've been uncovering so much lately 
every turn something looks different 
everything feels differently
and i feel stuck; like life isn't moving forward fast enough
and maybe that's why it's trying to slow me down 
to make sure i feel every LITTLE pebble
To be in every uncomfortable mess so i can appreciate it for what it is
so i can see myself in it and how i live in it and Trust that it's still ok 
That I'm not going to fall apart 
To see who I am in it 

To know who I am after it

i'm cleaning myself out of toxins so I can be truly receptive of life's great abundance

it's scary to let go of something - habits, thoughts, dependencies, attachments
sometimes it feels better and gives a false sense of security to cling onto something not so good for you 
just to say you have 'something' 
rather than to be alone and healthy
not knowing what your life will look like
not knowing who you will evolve to be without what you were used to holding
and trusting that the space you just cleaned out doesn't leave you alone
In fact, it creates room for you to fill yourself up without needing anything else to do it
Becoming satisfied with the complete package that you ARE (right now as you read this) 

i'm banking and working and intending to allow this space to dive in
to dive fully into the me i've wanted to be but too afraid
to do the things i've dreamed and the work that makes impact
to inspire and heal the world (regardless of the job title) 
to be the real me; not dependent on anything or anyone else for it

I have a voice regardless of what yours is
I have an opinion even if you don't like it
even if you don't understand it
even if you can't hear it for what it's intention is
i'm here even if you can't see me
even if you can't take me in
your disbelief won't make me disappear
i'm here regardless of you AND better because of you 

writing for me has always brought out the truth
my truth 
the way i see it and why
and it helps me see what i'm observing in the world
in other people and in me 
And how that affects me and helps me to grow
it's my truth
my moment magnified so i can hear it and let it in by letting it out

How do you let it out?