March 30, 2015

The Body Remembers

I need someone who knows how to love me. I've been beaten up. I've healed. The body also remembers. I have a tough exterior. Muscle enough to protect me. A sharp mind and an open intuition. A healthy heart that has found joy in living alone. It also sings at night with an ache to be nestled in safe keeping.

The body remembers.

 I need someone that knows how to love me. Reassurance that silence isn't abandonment. Trust that feelings will stay. Tenderness that listening is truly caring and a pleasant surprise in your persistent curiosity for my insides. Remind me that a look can gaze down into the depths of me. Show me that you can smell me from a mile away.  Shock me with your gentleness. Don't run; no matter how annoying or hard it gets - show me it's a pleasure still. Give Affection. Hold me. Kiss me. Show me. See me. Understand me even when you don't fully.

The body remembers. It remembers newlywed silent distance and an untouched pregnant belly and finally, disinterest. It remembers knife-sharp lonely silence. The body remembers the void, defined as abandonment and a lesson not yet learned, that abandonment is another's inability to love as you need. The body remembers a stagnant heart, starved so much it bled looking for another life source to sustain it. It remembers not knowing how to find it within; or that it could. It remembers suddenly and slowly being left and having to declare that truth in order to stop hemorrhaging. Those scars don't fade easily. The wound eventually healed and the heart is thriving. The memories come back sometimes.

 I haven't ridden my bike since.

Teach me to trust I can. Show me. Please extend your heart because I'm doing my best. Show me. Ask me. Step out on a limb and reach for me. I'm putting myself out there more than you might think. My frightened heart is willing. Please meet me halfway and take my hand. Thank me for trying. Thank me for asking. For seeing something in you and taking a step. You may not realize this is the biggest, bravest and boldest step I have ever taken since I died and came alive again.

Help me to claim trust in this new life. It's my first time at love with this wise, fresh, open heart. Be gentle. Skip the appearances and games. I want to be amongst real love; at least the exploration of it. To show it and to receive it. Meet me halfway. I'm terrified. We all are.
I will hold your heart. Please hold mine.

The body remembers.

I want new memories. With you.