May 31, 2011

Throw yourself a party

You're the guest of honor and you're the only guest.
You're initial reaction may be to think, 'how sad'.
Instead, think, 'how liberating', 'how fun', 'how freeing'...

Because it'll be the party of the century.
The party you've been wanting to attend.
The party of your life.
Celebrating YOU!

I'm opening myself up. I'm releasing one finger at a time of this clenched fist of mine.
Allowing myself to feel with the palm of my hand.
I'm tearing down walls and seeing lots of exposed things I've known have always been there but never taken the time to really look and feel them.
There's a lot of dust, dirt, animals that jump out and surprise me; There's also lots of great pictures, memories that make me smile and laugh out loud. Lots of warmth and a little worry about how to redesign that space.

I'm learning to forgive myself for for not granting permission to feel all of it. I think I skated - glided through the surface of many experiences in my life and kept moving to forget, to not feel; to not feel the pains; to not feel the depths of joy for fear of them leaving. Luke warm enough to get a little bit of both and move on.

In retrospect, I haven't been very nice to the real me. I've pushed her aside. Ignored her; forced her to be someone she is not and told her to suck it up when she was weary or losing faith. Left me feeling scared - alone - weary to be me.

Today and moving forward, I forgive myself for not showing up; for not standing up FOR myself; forgive myself for skimming by the hurt; numbing the great just to make it's goodbye seem less painful or significant; for distracting myself with things that weren't meaningful.

So welcome me to my own party. Celebrating all of it. Celebrating the freedom to feel all of it; Celebrating not having to ask for permission to be me and for not having to apologize for any of it.

There's no need to be sorry. You are exactly what you need to be at this moment. You are fully equipped with beautiful gifts for yourself and for this world. Open the box. Go ahead. Throw it all up in the air and hug it...each piece of you.

Celebrate yourself today...

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